31 Flavors

 

I think Baskin Robbins now boasts more than 31 flavors; who cares, all I want is caramel cone.  But that’s not the point of this post.  No, the flavors I’m talking about are the Flavors of SAHM – and 31 might be a low estimate.

It’s not enough to become a SAHM.  As you shed your worklife in favor of domesticity, you will eventually find yourself trying to become a certain type of SAHM – a flavor, if you will.  It determines which books and blogs you read, the types of choices you make for your child and your family and, of course, the issues to which you devote your scarce free time.

In more than a year, I’ve yet to puzzle out the style of SAHM that suits me.  But here are a few I’ve encountered – and more than one I’ve personally tried:

• Safety SAHM:  She takes infant CPR months before the baby arrives, and installs the toilet lock soon after.  Her toddler wears a bicycle helmet and elbow pads while riding his trike.  On her laptop, you’ll find sites bookmarked to monitor toy recalls, sex offender registries and the Maddie McCann investigation – but she rarely visits them, because it’s just not a good idea to take your eye off your child for Even. One. Minute.  She frets that Cheerios are a choking hazard.
• Eco SAHM:  Priorities include cloth diapers, breastfeeding ’til at least the first birthday and deciding what baby gear they don’t need, thanks, it’s just more waste.  Her toddler has his own garden avec compost heap and is kind to earthworms.  On her laptop, you’ll find bookmarks describing easy make-it-yourself baby food and sites that sell hemp onesies and bamboo baby towels.  She worries about finding a decent organic substitute for Cheerios.
• Edu SAHM:  She bought the Sign With Your Baby six DVD set while her first was still in utero and tracks her child’s developmental milestones in an Excel spreadsheet.  This mom actually knows her infant’s APGAR scores – and can tell you what the acronym means.  Bookmarks include sites peddling Beginning Math Skills videos and computer games designed to foster early language comprehension.  Her toddler has flashcards in two foreign languages and is majoring in tambourine in Kindermusik.  She’s busy inventing counting games with Cheerios.
• Saver SAHM:  Clipping coupons and scanning sale circulars is a competitive sport for the Saver SAHM.  She scans the Penny Saver and knows when all the best kids’ consignment sales take place.  Her toddler got his Big Wheel from FreeCycle and his big boy bed from Craig’s List.  On her 2001 PC which works just fine, thanks, you’ll find bookmarks to sites with Thrifty and Savvy in the title.  Her toddler learns math by comparing unit prices at the grocery store.  She’s studying whether Sam’s Club offers a better price than Costco on their store-brand Cheerios.
• Crafty SAHM:  Her pregnancy scrapbook is more detailed than many professionally compiled wedding albums.  This mom doesn’t just finger paint – she concocts projects that allow a 4 y.o. to hand-stencil a Renaissance tapestry pattern on a wooden hope chest for Aunt Jen’s birthday.  Bookmarks include wholesale craft supplies, a chat room about quilting and a calendar describing seasonally appropriate DIY projects the whole family can do together.  She dyes Cheerios, then strings them together to make jewelry.
• Equipped SAHM:  Before baby arrives, she’s registered for everything from the wipes warmer to the matching newborn robe, washcloth and towel set and she’s placed a standing order at Diapers.com so they’ll never run short.  Her toddler assumes they’re going shopping every time he’s snapped into his car seat.  Bookmarks include the Juvenile Products Manufacturing Association’s website and her personalized recommendations page on Amazon.com.  She’s looking for a better designed, more aesthetically pleasing spill-proof snack cup for Cheerios.
• Social SAHM:  She joined the local moms’ group months before her first was born.  Now she’s a fixture at every story hour, playgroup and Mom’n'Me event around.  Bookmarks include the local SAHM group chat room, which she administers, and the local events calendar.  The guest list for her toddler’s 4th birthday party is bigger than some weddings.  She always brings enough Cheerios to share.

Okay, I’m far short of 31, but I know there are more.  Anyone?